Emilie Rath: “I still have many evenings coming home in tears.”

I dette nye blog indlæg fra Dirty Fingernails fortæller Emilie en meget gribende historie om hendes job som racermekaniker og det at være enlig kvinde i en mandeverden, hvor hun dagligt skal kæmpe for sit værd. (Emilie skriver på engelsk da hun til daglig bor i England.)

Uncomfortable about being comfortable

I never been the best at anything any where I have worked.

Of all the places I have worked I always been jealous of the guys I worked with. They were so comfortable in their work, they knew exactly what they were doing. I’m sure if you asked them they could do the job with their eyes closed! They knew where anything was and they knew everyone at the workplace. I always thought to my self, I know I’m good when I feel like them. I know I’m good when I am so comfortable about my work that I could basically run the place!

As the years went by, the more education I finished, the more experienced and the older I got I didn’t even come close to feeling slightly comfortable. It frustrated me so much and it brought me to many tears thinking it was because I wasn’t good enough, well.. to be fair, not being good enough I can work with! At least I know what to do, work harder and get better, but the thought that really crushed me, was that I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t be good enough because I was a girl. I mean it must have been that right? It must have been the reason why I couldn’t connect to the guys as they could connect to each other, it must have been the reason why I made more mistakes than others, why I had to work twice as hard to perform the same job as my male colleagues? Why I have to study the double amount of time as my male classmates in order to understand the same things. I can’t be a woman in a mans world cause no matter how hard I work I will never be good enough! It simply comes down to my gender. It sounds horrible right? Is there a small voice in your head right now saying “Get over yourself and stop whining”? Don’t worry, the same voice is in my head every time I think those thoughts and it is not true of course!

The reason why I have never been the best, the reason why I have never been comfortable at a workplace or with the work I have been doing is because I have moved on to the next level the moment I felt I could perform on the level I was on. I have realized how uncomfortable it makes me, being comfortable. I have goals and dreams, but I wont reach them unless I accept failure and accept I’m gonna be uncomfortable a lot of the times on my way there. I have been surrounded by friends and family that have always pressured me to be better, to do better! but also showed me that nothing happens if I fall, nothing happens if I make mistakes! As TD. Jakes says “A setback is a setup for comeback”. I keep reminding my self that I can never loose, I either win or learn. Ironically enough, it makes me comfortable knowing that, when I am making mistakes and I am feeling uncomfortable, it’s a sign of growth! It’s a sign that I am one step closer to my goal. It’s a sign that I am on the next level! A level of new things to learn and new mistakes to make. When I’ve done them all and starts to get comfortable, it’s time to move on to the next level again.

A little example, I started at a new job. Very nervous obviously! My boyfriend told me “The first thing you do, is to take the gearbox of your car and check the clutch” I panicked. I never done it on that type of car. What if I make a mistake? I would look like an idiot in front of the other guys. I told him that and he looked at me and said “Thinking that and making that a reason for not doing your job is whats gonna make you ‘just another mechanic’ and not one of the best mechanics” He was right. I did it, not just once, but every time I had the opportunity I would take the gearbox of and after some times, that fear was gone. By attacking my fear for failure dead on, not accepting being uncomfortable with anything, gonna make me feel comfortable with being uncomfortable. Every time there is a slight doubt or fear inside you, you also know that you are capable of making it go away by doing it enough times till you get comfortable with it!

I still have many evenings coming home in tears. Tears of doubts and disbelieve in myself! The only thing that makes me calm is that I know my self well enough, to know that I wont stop until that feeling is gone. I wont stop failing, making mistakes, learning from it and get better. The road to your goal is uncomfortable, you just have to get comfortable with it!

Keep smilling x

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